15 things I learned from New Moon

The picture on the left hand side is the sole reason why I'm not dead of boredom, so let's give a round of applause to the Ballsy Vampires of the Emo Vamp saga... since they will not get their own awesome vampire movie series... well I'll just sigh deeply and tear apart the Second installment of the Twilight Saga.

I wanted to kill this movie in 15 bullets or less, but that would be doing the world a favor, and there are not 15 plot points for me to spoil in this linear, predictable, nauseating fest anyway.

Intro: Why am I watching this? After all, I have sworn once and again to destroy everything Twilight... well, I love my nieces more than I love classic kick ass vampire movies and although I have persuaded Kendra not to loose her time around the Godforsaken book series, I just can't deny her an afternoon at the movies... after all she is too good to be the one person in her whole wide school who didn't catch the flick during the weekend.

Without further ado... these are the 15 things I learned from New Moon:

• Digital cameras are evil. This horrid contraptions were made with the sole purpose of facilitating your recording events in your sad pathetic life and be a witness on how the years roll by without pity. A picture is never taken for fun or to create a cherished memory- nah- pictures are means to torture and bring about grief, even the happy ones.
• After your 18th birthday, there is nothing but death and desolation in the horizon. If you don't have a man secured by your 18th birthday, you will die and old, barren woman with no life experience worth mentioning.
• When there are vampires in your birthday party, please, ask for the presents to be unwrapped... paper cuts are a risk you don't want to face.
• When a guy is honest enough to tell you, "the issue is not you, it's me'... you must bitch and bitch and bitch until everyone around you secretly whispers, girl, the issue is soooooooo you is not even funny.
• It's good to keep a Native American friend close by, you never know when you'll need to emotionally exploit someone, and you know Indians are such an easy target... duh
• There is no need for a K9 unit in your backwards town, as long as you have werewolves hanging in the woods.
• By the way, never, ever slap a werewolf and while we are there... domestic violence is always right, hell it's even fun if your fiancee is a werewolf.
• Go ahead, introduce a smart comment about consumerism inside the greatest merchandise juggernaut movie of the decade and keep a straight face... anyhooo, 95% of your audience wont catch it.
• There is a small town in Italy were people celebrate a festival in honoring the destruction of vampires in the middle ages, and that is exactly where the Volturi decided to set their coven. Ballsy, I tell you...
• If you are a sparkly vampire, you have no right to go and bother the cool Italian vamps with your sobby, mopey stories of unrequited love, if you do, then don't be surprised if they want to kick your ass for it. While I am at it... never console yourself thinking this movie might have a glimmer of hope because Dakota Fanning and Michael Sheen are in it and they are extremely talented people, because some moron will cut their scenes to about 7 minutes at all why you cry whyyyyyyyyy, whhhyyyyyy, whyyyyyyyyy!!!!!
• By the way, if you see a Vampire Tour announced in at least 7 languages, do not go, is errrr, literally, a deadly tourist trap (with a bit of inside Italian Vacation Humor). While I'm at it, props to the idiots in the audience who said... OMG, are they going to kill those people? Nah....they just meant to shower them in sparkly delight, I'm sure (insert eye roll here)
• Please, always pay attention to what your friends have to say, stop thinking about your obsessions. Maybe one of them dropped a big hint about being a werewolf and you just didn't notice because your mind is full of sparkle.
• Sometimes people are not able to read your mind because you have a strong psychic shield, sometimes, it is because you are an airhead.
• Why should you have an emo vampire after you when you can have both an emo vampire and a sick puppy of a werewolf? When your feelings are solid for one of the guys, pleeease keep the other close enough to hurt him.
• And finally, the end of all troubles is, whenever you have an argument you cannot win against your guy, get his sister to vocalize her rocking humble opinion, because getting everyone involved in a very private argument is the leveled, mature road to travel.

I'm going back to my cave and hide away from the sparkle. If anything , the one thing that consoles me is that the great Ken Ken found this a scrambled plot mess, now go baby, be a good girl and finish Bram Stoker's Dracula... make auntie proud.

"Bella is alive after all... what a wonderful surprise, I love a happy ending"- Aro (Michael Sheen) being, of course kind of sarcastic.