You know me, once in a while I raid Netflix looking for that vampire movie that will single handedly bring the undead back to the spotlight... Why? because there is a Bachelor in Literature in me that wrote a twenty five page essay on Anne Rice's Lestat's psychological profile... or just because I hate zombies in their disorganized rampages or adaptations of Japanese horror that end up being poor excuses for teen flicks. God knows why...
The thing it that my search has proven not so fruitful, however, there are a couple of movies along the way that piss me off so much I have to file them under THE GOOD MOVIE THAT NEVER WAS and since misery loves company, I write about them here in order for it to burn the eyes of any unsuspecting reader... is it stinging? It will
Title: PERFECT CREATURE
Premise: In a futuristic Earth on a paralel dimension, vampires are a byproduct of genetic manipulation and Stem Cell Research. These new breed of humans are contained upon birth and given up to the Church to raise. These monastic vampires (all male- no girl has been born to their breed since the first fanged infant came all cold and pruny off her confused mother's birth canal) are known as the Brotherhood live their lives by Church principles aiming to protect and serve humanity... until one of them goes apeshit and decides to run rampant.
This could have been an original idea, after all it is breaking from the basic Anne Rice rule that has dominated the Undead novels and movies since the early 80's that vampires must be "beautiful, powerful and without regret"... (that and that they must have at least ten homo-erotic connotations in their daily behavior :p) Nah, back to serious, if you strip a vampire of these three basic qualities, there is a chance that your fabulous premise is breaking with the industry's standard. It has the potential of being a winner. Now when you place vampires (or genetically enhanced humans if you may) in a restricted environment given to self loathing disguised as self sacrifice very a la Catholic Church in the Dark Ages... it has to bring forth something good.
IT DOESN'T.
The reasons:
Setting and Plot holes
Setting: Alas! It is in the future and somehow, although the movie has enough budget to pull decent special effects. The future is oxymoronic to say the least.
- At this point in time genetics has advanced incredibly, to the point of being able to predict new evolutionary patterns just a couple of weeks after conception. I mean they can trace these beings from the womb... however without any explanation, simple things like cellphones, microwaves or decent cars are non existent in this society (they have though, humongous ZEPPELINS- what is it with zeps and scifi? They cross the skies at all hours of the darn day, managing to be both distracting and ridiculous- try filming a chase against the backdrop of sluggish rigid aircrafts.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. For some reason also, televisions are black and white and miracle cures cannot be mass produced because of lack of equipment... Aha! I've got the cure for cancer...I'll keep it in my basement and wait for the world to come by- duh
Maybe some of my smartass observations about the future might be rendered dull if someone cared to fill in the plot holes... gimme a postapocalyptic scenario in which all microwaves exploded or something... I swear, these little annoying details keep hitting you in the face for one hour and a half and you feel the hatred flourishing...
As in all contemporary movies whatever represents the INSTITUTION, be it church or government has a horrid plan to enslave/wipe out humanity, etc, etc, etc. The plan is exalted with enough pompous flare for anyone to believe it's the best thing since sliced bread... or in this case, since mystified blood donors... however it is never fully explained nor executed and the whole thing is reduced to saving a damsel in distress who is not as distressed as she seems- ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Anyways that is enough rant... if you like vampires, watch a good movie that never was and weep, if you don't... congratulations.
Yes, it is absurd that I waste my time, but there is a reason why this blog is called TIME CONSUMING TRIVIALITIES, and besides thunderstorms kept me from having fun this weekend arrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh
The quote? It's from me... "why, why, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"
No comments:
Post a Comment