Deirdre

Yesterday's night felt a stretch of eternal; spent between uneasy sleep and fervent prayer; accompanied by that terrible feeling when uncertainty becomes a constant.

This morning was no better, as tears flowed, inevitable, as the heart collected its dues.

I sat and thought, welcoming silence. It is hard to think of a combination of words that would sound right to convey a message upon the death of a child. Such event is unnatural, as life expects for children to out live us.

On a moment like this, an irrational feeling, neatly disguised as civility takes over. Yes, I still believe and my faith; the accumulation of supernatural experience I have gathered through my life instructs me beyond question. I know she is in a better place. I know she knows no suffering. I know that a God who embraces child like wonder welcomed her with arms wide open. But I needed a moment longer, a bit more grief, a window to understanding.

I wanted the morning to be gloomy and dark, with no birds singing. I cried, because it is what it is. I'm crying as I type this entry. If there is any consolation, it would be to think that I would have cried harder, longer,hopelessly, if it weren't Deedee I'm talking about.

Her parting hurts, like a blow to the chest and the pain assaults without mercy. But there are valleys; those coherent spaces within moments of grief, when memory rises up to meet us.

These are the things I remember:

The birth of a beautiful baby that captured our heart, a vibrant beauty with eyes wide, curious since her day of birth. A sudden illness, the resolution of loving parents, who defined the word by leaving everything and taking on anything for her. A series of adventures that forged stronger friendships and gave us the chance to be better, through Deedee, for Deedee. The coining of the phrase Viva la Deeva, which to the end of my own days will mean hold on to a moment, build memories, be happy, count your blessing and live to fight another day.

In five years Deedee was daughter, friend, champion, spokes person, sister to Kali and most of all, true to herself. That is more than what most of us can handle, yet something all of us should aspire to.

So, I walked out, just to gather my thoughts and met the sun framed by an almost turquoise sky, and the world exploded in sound and color about me. And I cried again, of course I did, but I also thought, God this is so Deedee. Strips of  sunshine, everlasting songs, that unstoppable need to try a brand new day. And I smiled, just a bit, enough to tell myself, in all conviction "Viva la Deeva."

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