Pirates... stranger rants I have written

 There's a big chance this is my last post of Earth as today is May 20, 2011, close to 5:30 and believe me I'm writing Captain Jack because I have already exhausted all of my Theology ;)

There are movies I build hope about, you know the ones I wait with fangirl anticipation circling opening day in big bold red marker. I expect to love this movies to death and wear my midnight ticket stub as a badge of honor. When they don't deliver it is more than disappointing, it is heartbreaking. And because my heart is broken I can't bring myself up to kill this movie in fifteen bullets or less, so I'll just randomly go about the things I found out and try not to spoil it. Understand this, the movie was okay, if it were a stand alone movie I would have loved it, but it's PIRATES and it missed the mark.

This is my rant list:

• The direction was weak. I am sorry, but they should have paid Verbinsky any ridiculous amount of money he demanded, because he was sorely missed. I don't know how they managed to make a straight storyline like this one seem choppy at best. The one story that could have played the best of the real life pirates; the might of the Spanish Empire, the logistic of the British against outlaws on both sides that were the stuff of legend... come on, how can someone manage to bore to tears with such material and a supernatural aspect on top?!. If you want a thrilling high seas chase go rent MASTER AND COMMANDER
• I have said it before. Johnny Depp can do anything, even salvage Captain Jack from this wreckage. He was funny, nasty, charming and straight up sexy at times, but there are three far superior movies that you can rent to see him do this over and over.
• He might be sexy, as Penelope Cruz is a goddess, but there was no chemistry... NONE.
• I really hate when the tap into a great mythology and skim it through. The one good thing, the one perfect element of haunting horror and beauty was a ten minute scene involving mermaids. I wanted more, and ten minutes is what I got.
• They also kind of introduced the Spanish Empire's idea of reigning by divine principle... the burden of Catholic Kings to rid the world of darkness... I know no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but when you hint at it, you better show it all... the flare the big banners the red from head to toe... but once again, the Spaniards were in the background, more of shadow characters than the compelling force behind a quest I was promised on the opening scene.
• And dear God... whose idea it was to make a Pirates movie without the Pearl? Let the ship be haunted, stolen, sunken to the depths of the Ocean into the Locker... but it has to be there!!!!!

I wish I could write more, but I don't feel it deserves an extra line even.... I'll leave you with a quote, sorta:

"It was an honest error, to mistake a Spanish Nunnery with a Brothel."- Captain Jack ( and I don't think he was truly sorry about the whole misunderstanding)

The cult of Gaga... or celebrities that piss me off enough to blog about

I must confess the first time I saw her -probably before anyone else noticed: a scrawny blonde thing singing Just Dance on the Miss Universe 2008 Pageant- I thought she was fresh. I placed my  bets on her being the future of Pop Music. I loved the concept of "Little Monsters"... a rag tag group of disenfranchised youth coming from all walks of life to rally behind an emerging star poised to deal with issues affecting us all. After all, her war cry was an alternative to staying home texting your frustration from teen mobile to mobile. But eventually it all became the same tired pattern of celebrity telling her fans it is okay to use your critical thinking, as long as you agree with all I am saying. Go forth little monsters and spread the Generic Gospel of Gaga.

Once again there is a reason why this blog is called Time Consuming Trivialities... it is here where I come and say enough on things no one cares for. Make your money biatch... piles of it, after all this is America; but please stop riding the cause of the week in the Pop Culture Carousel. You are not rebellious cotoure my dear, you are rebellious dujour; fabricated, spewing bland words for anyone to hear, no better than Britney, from whom your fans usually recoil in horror.

First it was the gay issue. Gaga rode that Coaster like there's no tommorrow... and along with it there was this ridiculous mystique emerging... is she s tranny?, could it be that in fact she is a man? ohhh nono nono, wait, she's probably bisexual because that's in vogue. And yes we must admit that she did the marching and the Proposition 8 speech and lets not forget that in her inspiring video ALEJANDRO she made sure to put in the image of a guy in military garb rocking some fishnets stockings because that was a frigging statement towards America's attitude about DON'T ASK DON'T TELL. And don't even get me started with BORN THIS WAY in which some idiot PR guy envisioned her as the Maddonna for the short attention span generation. It was dull, and the whole sampling music track thing had a bitter taste of Vanilla Ice saying... no I never used a track from "Pressure"... If you are with me in your old age you know what I'm talking about. For all you have "done" for the gay community. I don't know if I have to over compensate for being straight here and making an issue out of nothing; but I'm pretty sure my gay friends will agree saying Bette Midler, Cyndy Lauper and Cher, she is not.

And now, since the gay thing is wearing down (for her at least it seems) she has taken upon the latest red button issue:  Illegal Immigration.

  I cannot believe that she had the face to go to Mexico and say that ALEJANDRO was partly inspired by her fangirl attitude towards Alejandro Fernandez whom she was looking forward to meet. Oh wait a minute I thought Alejandro had something to do with don't ask don't tell and meat processing and so many deep metaphors the world can peel off like and onion... but of course, I forgot she was in Mexico at the time. How effing original.

While she's never said squat about US immigration policy while in the continental United States, it was convenient to address this issues while in Mexico, Not only that, she dedicated her new song AMERICANO to the struggle of people trying to cross the border and make a living in America. Hmmm, let me check the inspiring lyrics...

"I will cry for, I have fought for/ How I love you/I will die for, I have cried for

How I care/In the mountains, las campanas/Están sonando/Y los chicos, y los chicos
Están besando."


Ehhh, very profound indeed, just like JUDAS was meant to be powerful social commentary on our attitudes towards religion ( while I cough someone please google Madonna's LIKE A PRAYER)


Anyway, I can envision the video for AMERICANO: a whole bunch of migrant workers clad in glitter, leaving flesh, blood and sequins at the border to get to a Lady Gaga concert in Arizona... because that is worth fighting and dying for...

In nicer news... still like Katy Perry, let's hope she doesn't get ridiculous.

15 things I learned from Dylan Dog

Once in a while a movie comes around that leaves me gasping for air. Well most of the time the source of my arrest is the sublime, in other cases is the ridiculous. Go ahead, say it...I can hear most of you chuckling in the dark, whispering I told you so.  Well surprise, Dylan Dog does not fall in either category. Fun enough to blog about, bad enough to tell you go in at your own risk; this is one of those movies that fall in neutral territory. I like it enough not to hate it, I hate it enough to make fun of it, albeit lightly.

So instead of killing the plot in 15 bullets or less, I rather jot down 15 unexpected Dog lessons. Don't worry, it is not spoilery at all and even if it sounds like it, you'll need to see it in context:

• Horror movies should be equal opportunity employers... though I am an avid rabid vampire fan, I'm starting to understand the werewolf community plea. I never thought I said this, but it needed more werewolves.
• Peter Stormare can  read the yellow pages and I'll be a happy camper... had they given him more screen time, I would have walked out of that movie a were-fan.
•  Brandon Routh is not as bad an actor as I judged him to be. My apologies Mr. Routh, you brought it, as far as it could be brought.
• Zombies are people too and if we had an insight into their brains, we'll discover that they'd rather have a hold of our best resconstructor conditioner that our warm, quivering entrails.
• I'll never walk into a  greasy burger joint- EVER AGAIN- without giving respect and attention to the over worked teenager at the registrar
• If they offer you a #9 at the said burger joint and there is only eight items of the menu, take it. You'll be kinda grateful later.
• Vampires are not really known for great marketing strategies, they like their business straight, if the phrase TRUE BLOOD proved successful in HBO, why change it?
• Werewolves are the "Vitte Corleoni" of meat packing in New Orleans
• BTW New Orleans is not only a safe haven for the undead, it's frigging running over!!!
• Zombies are world class diggers second only to naked mole rats
• Beware of people who are fond of Latin
• The best way to win the fanboy/fangirl crowd is to include some Italian dialogue. Is a nice tip of the hat though all nerds concur is better to leave subtitles off
• If it ain't broken don't fix it, you managed to sail through your movie with old school make up, why oh why bring annoying CGI and kill my suspense of disbelief
• I keep very accurate track of my monsters and for endless nights I watched MH1 (Monster Hists One) to try and find out a nice little Where are they Now on Legend's Darkness... forget it, I think I found him.
• Don't ever leave your friends out of the loop when it comes to supernatural stuff, otherwise you'll end up responsible if he or she turns out to be made up as a  dead hooker

The quote: "There's no room for heroes among Zombies, we have  along, proud history of being cowards."