49 year old virgins and other misfired love connections

General Disclaimer:

The concept behind both Napoleon Dynamite and the 40 Year Old Virgin is inherently funny... we all, at least once root for the underdog, the lovable looser, the innocent, basically impossible, sweet guy we would all like to meet. It's funny, because as every good Hollywood spin is a fantasy that touches reality here and there, but the possibilities of these things happening to someone close to us, someone we happen to know, perhaps, are few. The chance of one of us being a supporting character on one of these guys lives is close to none, because they are not real. Then how the hell did I end up in this?

The following is a real story about the bastard child of Napoleon and Virgin and the unfortunate people who cross his path, including me.

About 4 months ago, one of our patients, whom we love dearly, showed me a picture of his son. I saw a tall, handsome guy in his early thirties, reasonably built, with a suspicious thick mustache that screamed HAS TO GO!!!, but somehow looked as if it needed to stay. I smiled politely and said "your son is quite handsome." Those words should go in the list of famous last, they might even dethrone "Everything will be alright" by the time I'm through with my little story.

Two months ago, our patient- who is a friend of Doc's mom, so he just pops up whenever he feels like it- showed up again. He kept talking about his son's wonderful attributes. As he kept talking, I noticed something that is a pet peeve of mine... I hate when people minimize things. He kept talking about his 30 something son as the kid. When Doc walked in after his last appointment, our patient-friend was still there praising the kid and telling me that I could not find a better guy if I looked for a hundred years. He told me the kid was an accomplished dancer ( it is fairly stereotypical to think that all Puertorricans like the dance floor, me, I've got no rhythm).

When he left Doc burst out in roaring laughter, which really set off all my alarms... you see Doc had been a bit depressed and as of late he was just barking orders left and right. He is usually serious and composed to the point of being perceived as dry, so when he let out a "Oh shit, you are in for a ride!!!" I felt a small drop of panicky sweat make its way down my neck.

Doc told me that the photo I saw was taken in the eighties and in fact the "kid" was pushing 50, had never lived on his own and has been taking his mother for a Sunday Stroll in the park for the last 30 years. That's funny, I said. Doc went back to his usual self and told me in a very dramatic tone "who says I'm kidding?"

About one month ago, I tried to run, but I couldn't hide when our patient-friend walks in, holding hands with this other guy... Imagine if you may, a 5'7" (I'm 5'9") Napoleon Dynamite pushing 50 ,with short cropped hair, impossibly thin upper lips and mouth constantly opened. "This is my son" he said and basically pushed this guy towards me. I could see, with the corner of my eye, how Lysa and Doc took front row seats while pretending to be revising paperwork.

Years of Customer Service and Empathy Training have left me THE SMILE, an infallible weapon for such occasions as these. So, I flashed THE SMILE, extended my hand and shook it vigorously. I turned around for a brief second and gave THE LOOKS. One for Lysa, which is the standard get me out of this mess look by going to the back and calling me on line 2 from Doc's line. I gave Doc the look, which is the standard, you are my boss but don't piss me off look, this time it meant, let Lysa make her call or you will be interviewing a new Front Desk tomorrow.

Forty nightmarish seconds later the phone rings and I said "Excuse me, this is really important. It was nice to meet you, SIR!!!!"

Two weeks ago the whole family walks in, mother and all (she is also a patient) I noticed the lady kinda checking me out with an interest and detail that has not been there before. When I called them into the exam room, (the "Kid"stayed outside waiting, starring at she Van Gogh Print with squinting eyes ) she told me that I had her approval. (somehow someone married me off to the kid without asking me.)

This past Friday, our patient-friend comes by to invite me (brace yourselves, boys and girls) to have a play date with the kid "We would really like for you to come and play World of Warcraft (WTF) with our son, he is quite the gamer." I could have set sometime aside to imagine a family picture a la Norman Bates or Texas Chainsaw Massacre, these people are weird enough, but I was content with saying. "I'm not 14 anymore, Thank You" I dint even bother with a generic smile, in case it would be misunderstood.

Something tells me though, this is not the last I'll hear from the kid, or his weird, weird, parents.

Laugh if you want...

Andy Stitzer: "You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!" 40 Year Old Virgin