Just for kicks: A very dissapointed review of Dead Reckoning

In a  world in which we are all forced to choose, I must say that I've successfully walked the thread between Truebies and Bookies (if you care for True Blood in any way shape or form you know what I'm talking about).

I believe the secret of my success derives precisely from understanding the workings of both series and books as two different animals.

 While the world of Charlaine Harris has supernatural working and lurking in every corner, it is definitely a "fun read" type of experience. In all honesty, and perhaps because of her choice of POV, her vampires- as described by Sookie Stackhouse- don't come across as lethal as they should. Honestly, for book readers, ever since book 4 people had forgotten this is meant to be a supernatural series and it has turned into a pink coated paranormal romance in which the eager reader is much more engaged by trying to guess the pattern of long haired Eric's braiding than the next preternatural threat.

Still, it is a successful series and it has it's fandom. And yes, I enjoy Eric's golden hair in braids, and I get a kick out of his sitcom marriage to Sookie and I love Bill the King of Geeks with his uncanny computer knowledge and yes I even like Pam in pastel blue.

I have no qualms whatsoever to turn my TV on Sundays and thank his all mightiness of Ball for giving me lethal, sarcastic Eric, who might or might not be interested in "I don't know who I might be" Sookie Stackhouse, and I can deal with William Compton, King of Louisiana and Pam's drop jaw fashion sense.

That's why I was sorely disappointed when reading this book.  I'm not much of a writer, but I've been a fan all my life. There is one thing all authors should know.... fans are bloodhounds, and they can smell fear. It is a rare and sad case when an author proves to be so weak she can be easily influenced by other people's interpretation of her characters. It has been established that Harris can do fun, campy without sliding into ridicule and can pull sexy in a tall glass of blond bombshell. One thing she cannot do is gritty, dark and multidimensional. That is Allan Ball's territory. It didn't keep her from trying, and failing terribly.

This ship started sinking with Dead in the Family. That's when Harris tested the waters for layered Eric. In her effort to create a background story for our favorite Viking- or as I lovingly call him, Po boy's Lestat- she created Ocella, a vampire master impossible to digest and probably her most despicable character to date. And precisely, because Ocella had no redeeming qualities the character didn't resonate with the readers, as most of us found it unreasonable for book Eric to hold any kind of sympathy for him, vampire fledgling rules or not. In other words: Ocella is no Allan Ball's "Godric". By playing the minimal allegiance to Ocella, Eric became... what is the literary term? Pussified.

After the fiasco of trying to show a softer, easy target side to Mr. Blond Fun, then there was no other route than to go grittier, darker with the next installment... that is easy to pull off, right? I mean HBO book Eric up a notch... cause fans of that darn TV show looooove  short haired, quick witted, cocky Eric, so why not? Because there is a big difference between being assertive and being a douche bag.

The following will contain three brief spoilers-two Eric, one Bill- just to prove my point:

• I believe the scene calls for " I do not negotiate Eric", which we have seen a dozen times in HBO, he who scared the living daylights out of the meth pushers in Hotshot, etc etc etc... well Ms. Harris decided it was time for book Eric to show his prowess by scaring a hair dresser- yes you heard me- a hairdresser within an inch of his life for not bringing a cutting cape. Said hairdresser was meant just to cut off a couple of inches of Sookie's hair WTF???!!!
• But let's just wait a minute, book Eric is not unpredictable enough, not enough self absorbed, not selfish enough, so let's spice it up... in a move that runs counter both book and series characterization. Eric beats the heck out of Pam in a fit of rage. He did so in a preventive strike manner anticipating that Pam could reveal a secret to Sookie. Really... really? If there is anything between these characters it is- all puns intended- undying loyalty. It made me close the book and grab a drink, I swear.
• And don't even let me start with Bill. And no, it is not a matter of teams, at this point in both book and series I'm team "Sookie is better off in fairyland." But I guess when it comes to sexy up quiet book Bill who has been out of the radar since book 3... well you know because those TV fans just loooove the tension, there's nothing better than concoct a scene in which a naked Sookie ends up atop Bill in his cubby. Honestly, I had to read it twice because I couldn't figure out how the hell this came to be, all while fighting that pesky cello  in my head... you know Bill's theme, because the words that came out of Bill's mouth were HBO writing staff, guaranteed.

And God forbid I forget the "shout outs" through out... I mean one thing is Merlotte's having "Bad Things" in their jukebox selection, the other is Pam going verbatim on her clever "Are you picking up what I'm putting down?" that established her as the one badass lieutenant.... sigh.

All in all, I still look forward to my Sunday nights, as far as the written word; well, I have books stacked up everywhere. I'll get to Harris when I get there.

Pirates... stranger rants I have written

 There's a big chance this is my last post of Earth as today is May 20, 2011, close to 5:30 and believe me I'm writing Captain Jack because I have already exhausted all of my Theology ;)

There are movies I build hope about, you know the ones I wait with fangirl anticipation circling opening day in big bold red marker. I expect to love this movies to death and wear my midnight ticket stub as a badge of honor. When they don't deliver it is more than disappointing, it is heartbreaking. And because my heart is broken I can't bring myself up to kill this movie in fifteen bullets or less, so I'll just randomly go about the things I found out and try not to spoil it. Understand this, the movie was okay, if it were a stand alone movie I would have loved it, but it's PIRATES and it missed the mark.

This is my rant list:

• The direction was weak. I am sorry, but they should have paid Verbinsky any ridiculous amount of money he demanded, because he was sorely missed. I don't know how they managed to make a straight storyline like this one seem choppy at best. The one story that could have played the best of the real life pirates; the might of the Spanish Empire, the logistic of the British against outlaws on both sides that were the stuff of legend... come on, how can someone manage to bore to tears with such material and a supernatural aspect on top?!. If you want a thrilling high seas chase go rent MASTER AND COMMANDER
• I have said it before. Johnny Depp can do anything, even salvage Captain Jack from this wreckage. He was funny, nasty, charming and straight up sexy at times, but there are three far superior movies that you can rent to see him do this over and over.
• He might be sexy, as Penelope Cruz is a goddess, but there was no chemistry... NONE.
• I really hate when the tap into a great mythology and skim it through. The one good thing, the one perfect element of haunting horror and beauty was a ten minute scene involving mermaids. I wanted more, and ten minutes is what I got.
• They also kind of introduced the Spanish Empire's idea of reigning by divine principle... the burden of Catholic Kings to rid the world of darkness... I know no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but when you hint at it, you better show it all... the flare the big banners the red from head to toe... but once again, the Spaniards were in the background, more of shadow characters than the compelling force behind a quest I was promised on the opening scene.
• And dear God... whose idea it was to make a Pirates movie without the Pearl? Let the ship be haunted, stolen, sunken to the depths of the Ocean into the Locker... but it has to be there!!!!!

I wish I could write more, but I don't feel it deserves an extra line even.... I'll leave you with a quote, sorta:

"It was an honest error, to mistake a Spanish Nunnery with a Brothel."- Captain Jack ( and I don't think he was truly sorry about the whole misunderstanding)

The cult of Gaga... or celebrities that piss me off enough to blog about

I must confess the first time I saw her -probably before anyone else noticed: a scrawny blonde thing singing Just Dance on the Miss Universe 2008 Pageant- I thought she was fresh. I placed my  bets on her being the future of Pop Music. I loved the concept of "Little Monsters"... a rag tag group of disenfranchised youth coming from all walks of life to rally behind an emerging star poised to deal with issues affecting us all. After all, her war cry was an alternative to staying home texting your frustration from teen mobile to mobile. But eventually it all became the same tired pattern of celebrity telling her fans it is okay to use your critical thinking, as long as you agree with all I am saying. Go forth little monsters and spread the Generic Gospel of Gaga.

Once again there is a reason why this blog is called Time Consuming Trivialities... it is here where I come and say enough on things no one cares for. Make your money biatch... piles of it, after all this is America; but please stop riding the cause of the week in the Pop Culture Carousel. You are not rebellious cotoure my dear, you are rebellious dujour; fabricated, spewing bland words for anyone to hear, no better than Britney, from whom your fans usually recoil in horror.

First it was the gay issue. Gaga rode that Coaster like there's no tommorrow... and along with it there was this ridiculous mystique emerging... is she s tranny?, could it be that in fact she is a man? ohhh nono nono, wait, she's probably bisexual because that's in vogue. And yes we must admit that she did the marching and the Proposition 8 speech and lets not forget that in her inspiring video ALEJANDRO she made sure to put in the image of a guy in military garb rocking some fishnets stockings because that was a frigging statement towards America's attitude about DON'T ASK DON'T TELL. And don't even get me started with BORN THIS WAY in which some idiot PR guy envisioned her as the Maddonna for the short attention span generation. It was dull, and the whole sampling music track thing had a bitter taste of Vanilla Ice saying... no I never used a track from "Pressure"... If you are with me in your old age you know what I'm talking about. For all you have "done" for the gay community. I don't know if I have to over compensate for being straight here and making an issue out of nothing; but I'm pretty sure my gay friends will agree saying Bette Midler, Cyndy Lauper and Cher, she is not.

And now, since the gay thing is wearing down (for her at least it seems) she has taken upon the latest red button issue:  Illegal Immigration.

  I cannot believe that she had the face to go to Mexico and say that ALEJANDRO was partly inspired by her fangirl attitude towards Alejandro Fernandez whom she was looking forward to meet. Oh wait a minute I thought Alejandro had something to do with don't ask don't tell and meat processing and so many deep metaphors the world can peel off like and onion... but of course, I forgot she was in Mexico at the time. How effing original.

While she's never said squat about US immigration policy while in the continental United States, it was convenient to address this issues while in Mexico, Not only that, she dedicated her new song AMERICANO to the struggle of people trying to cross the border and make a living in America. Hmmm, let me check the inspiring lyrics...

"I will cry for, I have fought for/ How I love you/I will die for, I have cried for

How I care/In the mountains, las campanas/Están sonando/Y los chicos, y los chicos
Están besando."


Ehhh, very profound indeed, just like JUDAS was meant to be powerful social commentary on our attitudes towards religion ( while I cough someone please google Madonna's LIKE A PRAYER)


Anyway, I can envision the video for AMERICANO: a whole bunch of migrant workers clad in glitter, leaving flesh, blood and sequins at the border to get to a Lady Gaga concert in Arizona... because that is worth fighting and dying for...

In nicer news... still like Katy Perry, let's hope she doesn't get ridiculous.

15 things I learned from Dylan Dog

Once in a while a movie comes around that leaves me gasping for air. Well most of the time the source of my arrest is the sublime, in other cases is the ridiculous. Go ahead, say it...I can hear most of you chuckling in the dark, whispering I told you so.  Well surprise, Dylan Dog does not fall in either category. Fun enough to blog about, bad enough to tell you go in at your own risk; this is one of those movies that fall in neutral territory. I like it enough not to hate it, I hate it enough to make fun of it, albeit lightly.

So instead of killing the plot in 15 bullets or less, I rather jot down 15 unexpected Dog lessons. Don't worry, it is not spoilery at all and even if it sounds like it, you'll need to see it in context:

• Horror movies should be equal opportunity employers... though I am an avid rabid vampire fan, I'm starting to understand the werewolf community plea. I never thought I said this, but it needed more werewolves.
• Peter Stormare can  read the yellow pages and I'll be a happy camper... had they given him more screen time, I would have walked out of that movie a were-fan.
•  Brandon Routh is not as bad an actor as I judged him to be. My apologies Mr. Routh, you brought it, as far as it could be brought.
• Zombies are people too and if we had an insight into their brains, we'll discover that they'd rather have a hold of our best resconstructor conditioner that our warm, quivering entrails.
• I'll never walk into a  greasy burger joint- EVER AGAIN- without giving respect and attention to the over worked teenager at the registrar
• If they offer you a #9 at the said burger joint and there is only eight items of the menu, take it. You'll be kinda grateful later.
• Vampires are not really known for great marketing strategies, they like their business straight, if the phrase TRUE BLOOD proved successful in HBO, why change it?
• Werewolves are the "Vitte Corleoni" of meat packing in New Orleans
• BTW New Orleans is not only a safe haven for the undead, it's frigging running over!!!
• Zombies are world class diggers second only to naked mole rats
• Beware of people who are fond of Latin
• The best way to win the fanboy/fangirl crowd is to include some Italian dialogue. Is a nice tip of the hat though all nerds concur is better to leave subtitles off
• If it ain't broken don't fix it, you managed to sail through your movie with old school make up, why oh why bring annoying CGI and kill my suspense of disbelief
• I keep very accurate track of my monsters and for endless nights I watched MH1 (Monster Hists One) to try and find out a nice little Where are they Now on Legend's Darkness... forget it, I think I found him.
• Don't ever leave your friends out of the loop when it comes to supernatural stuff, otherwise you'll end up responsible if he or she turns out to be made up as a  dead hooker

The quote: "There's no room for heroes among Zombies, we have  along, proud history of being cowards."

A very public introduction to Neil Gaiman's SANDMAN

Hey baby, or should I say hey sweet young lady?

 Time does fly by as you are to enter High School. Fourteen years... darn it. According to the Library reading guidelines you are mature enough to handle the material I'm about to put in your hands. I don't know, perhaps kids are more open to the world these days, but I found it really funny, as I read this Graphic Novel for the very first time in my twenties and it managed to screw my mind... but a promise is a promise.

I remember you as a four year old skulking into my library, that sacred little space comprised of two giant bookshelves and trying to reach with chubby little fingers an arrangement of books that looked colorful, inviting and fun, all of which were strictly forbidden. It frustrated you heavily, and though I tried to distract you with Wolves in the Walls and the outrageous idea of trading your Daddy for two Goldfish (quite a good bargain, I might add) I promised you then, that in time, my books would be yours.

I've seen you grow since then and although when you were smaller, you rabid attempts at recitations of The Raven and The Tyger made me chuckle and joke that you were made after my own image, I knew that in fact you'll grow up to be a completely different being. You have the drive of someone who wants to drink  life in cup fulls, the mindset of a conqueror and the build of an athlete. Most people would be scared of these departures in character, I'm not. It is my faith that I'm granted a gift, the opportunity to see you reach places I never dreamed of.

But let's go back to the things we have in common: we both despise the mundane, the black and white outlook on life dictated by people who are too afraid to take a chance. We both like the idea of a world beyond our own where we can hide once in a while. Though I meditate in dreams and you seem to want to tear at the fabric of it all just to find what makes them tick, we both believe in that kind of magic.

With no further a do I give you a book that I knew will be yours since the day you were born. It is well preserved and taken care of and even though I had the chance to buy it brand new, I rather give you this one. It has character, little battle scars, it's been places you haven't been yet, touched by other people. It has left  a palpable imprint is those who read it, and now it is yours.

Its is a story, not of a man, but of a being that is older than gods, from whose hands drip the sands that forge the dreams of mankind. You will not meet him at the top of his game though, in fact he is beaten, reduced to nothing, a prisoner fueled by revenge. But don't worry, as in any good story, nothing ever stays unmoving. Eventually you'll catch with what is going on... You know most men and women in comic books go from being regular Joes to having god like superpowers. This one works backwards and that makes it unique, is a hard, long journey towards being human.

I'll leave you now, to the dreams of gods and men and the stuff that lives on the edge of nightmares

Love, L.